


Damages of War

by In_Dee



Category: NCIS: Los Angeles
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Childhood Sexual Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Past Child Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:01:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26021590
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/In_Dee/pseuds/In_Dee
Summary: Prequel to Flashback. They had gotten Kensi out of Afghanistan, but they hadn’t gotten all of her back. Callen tries to take care of his team mate, dredging up things from his own past.
Comments: 22
Kudos: 51





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This one has been a long time in coming. Exactly one year ago (to this day *g*) I posted “Flashback”. As I said there, I’ve often felt that there were some things that were hinted at in ‘Spoils of War’ and that’s how ‘Flashback’ came to be. More or less simultaneously this prequel started taking shape in my mind. The story of course veers off from the canon narrative.
> 
> **Warning** : This story contains allusions to past non-con events (both adult and underage) and follows the immediate recovery from such an assault. Even though there are no graphic details included, please don’t read if this is a trigger for you!

Callen sighed and switched off the tape. He couldn’t concentrate on Bosnian dialect tonight. His mind was wandering all over the place and it always ended up on one of his team members.

As a team leader, it was his job to worry… and as a friend and some sort of big brother even more so.

They had gotten Kensi out of Afghanistan, but they hadn’t gotten all of her back.

During the prisoner exchange in the mountains, he hadn’t noticed it. Kensi had seemed mostly dazed and exhausted, the blood from the head wound drawing his focus. It was only later, inside the camp when she had been patched up, that he had been hit by realization. They had approached Kensi and Deeks to tell them about the spread in the mess hall as well as their travel plans and she had turned to him.

It was then that he had seen the look.

It had been that look, that emptiness in her eyes that had made him want to run, made him turn away after a brief “see you in mess”.

It was a look he had seen before; in foster siblings, in victims during cases… and it had stared back at him in the mirror at the age of thirteen. Seeing it in her had rushed him like a tidal wave, nearly choking him.

He had distantly noticed Sam’s worried gaze as they had both focused on Kensi, guessed his partner was also looking deeper, but Callen didn’t think Sam had _really_ put two and two together.

Callen sat down in the corner of his living room, drawing his legs up and putting his elbows on them, linking his hands behind his head. His two months long stay with the Holden’s was something he had locked away, had put deep down in one of the shadiest corners of his mind, shackled to a wall, closed off behind several locked iron doors, behind convoluted corners of long and winding corridors, barricaded by extra thick walls and fortified with fiery spikes strategically placed around the entrance to dissuade invaders. He hadn’t touched that place in years, had stroked those fiery spikes to burn brighter whenever a case had threatened dismantle the protective layers around those two months.

To see that look in Kensi’s eyes had promptly doused all the fires and cut through the protection like a scythe, had bulldozed down the castle walls to create a shortcut to where he had hidden those months. He hadn’t allowed himself to come apart in the camp, but had needed some time in private to rebuild all the fortifications. He didn’t want to touch those months and what they had done to him, but he felt deep down that he might have to do just that so that he could help Kensi.

It felt like he was in limbo, unsure which way to go - hide or approach. Approaching Kensi might help or it might drive her away further. She needed to find a way to deal with what had happened and he wasn’t sure that he was the person to help her find that way. His track record with dealing with things that bothered or hurt him wasn’t exactly a good one. He tended to ignore those things and pretend they weren’t there… hence the urge to hide from Kensi’s predicament.

He had been in this state of indecision on whether to approach or not for days, ever since they had returned to L.A.

Kensi was on medical leave, had shut herself away and he wasn’t sure how close anyone had come. He knew that Deeks was doing his best to try and take care of Kensi, but he didn’t know how successful he could be without knowing the full extent of what was wrong and he was certain that one wrong step could topple the precarious house of cards that surrounded Kensi.

The relationship between Kensi and Deeks had shifted shortly before she had been sent to Afghanistan. He had seen it, had decided to ignore it though. As a team leader, he knew that they were playing with fire, but as a friend he approved. Even if it didn’t seem like it from a distance, Kensi and Deeks just fit together. They had clashed in the beginning of their partnership, had taken a lot of time to find their footing with each other, but their partnership had become strong and Callen had thought for a while that it was only a matter of time before they would shift their professional relationship to a personal one. He still wasn’t perfectly sure what he would do about it as their team leader - if he would have to do something about it at all.

And now they were here… after Afghanistan.

Deeks was a sensitive soul and Callen had no doubt that he would stand by Kensi and help her… but he wasn’t sure if Kensi would let anyone help her. In true Kensi-fashion, she would most likely try to put up a front and pretend she was alright.

If he confronted her about it, she might come out worse for it, but if he ignored it and let her hide, she might not heal either and she might also potentially put the team in danger if she couldn’t function in the field.

Callen drew his hands through his hair, no closer to determining a course of action than he had been the last few days. He would need to come to a decision. This was not something that would just go away.

Xxxxxxx

Callen ignored Sam’s gaze. He had felt his partner’s eyes on him all morning. He was off-kilter and had been for the last few days. He had kept ignoring the problem, the proverbial elephant that stood prominently in his living room and had made itself at home. He was no closer to a solution than he had been the days before - and his insomnia had given him lots and lots of time to try and come up with a solution.

He leaned back in his seat, stretching slightly before finally making the first decision in a long line of decisions that had been pending for so long. Standing up, he ignored Sam’s questioning gaze and left the bullpen.

Knocking on the pillar that somehow served as a doorframe to Hetty’s office, he waited for her eyes to come up to him. Their gazes connected and she wordlessly reached up to close the laptop in front of her, giving him all her attention. He took it as the invitation it was and entered her domain.

Hetty’s eyes followed him as he sat down. “Have you puzzled it out yet?”she asked, her head tilted slightly to the side while she reached for her cup of tea.

“What?” Callen asked, taken aback and unsure what she meant. The slight smile of satisfaction meant that Hetty still enjoyed springing her traps on unaware individuals… and that he should have known better. He knew Hetty after all; he should have expected it. But it served to show him just how unsettled and off his game he currently was.

She took a sip and placed the fine china back down on the saucer. “You’ve seemed distracted the last few days,” Hetty opened the floor for him. Of course she had noticed. Hetty knew it all. Maybe she also knew why he was here. It was a possibility.

Callen sighed and leaned back in his chair, briefly letting his gaze slip from Hetty to the ceiling, sorting the words in his head again. When he glanced back down, Hetty was watching him, waiting. She could outwait God if she had to. “Kensi will be back in a few days.”

“Yes.” It was a simple statement, no inflection to tell him whether or not Hetty approved, what she thought of it.

He sighed again. Maybe Hetty’s counsel could help him to get rid of the elephant in his living room. “I want her kept out of the field,” he stated slowly, deciding to plunge right in.

“I see,” was all Hetty said, her gaze steady. She was waiting for him to explain, but when he opened his mouth, she shook her head and stood up. “I think this calls for some tea,” she said calmly.

Callen arched an eyebrow and pointedly glanced at the cup on her desk.

She gave him a small smile and shook her head. “No, the nature of what we will be discussing calls for some other blend,” she turned to where she kept her tea sets and blends, sorting through them.

He watched her, again idly wondering how much she knew. Did she know what he wanted discuss with her on a deeper level than what he had told her so far? Did she know what had happened or did she at least have a suspicion? Did she know about his past? Callen clenched his teeth and clamped down on that thought. This discussion wasn’t about him.

When Hetty turned back with a tray loaded with two sets of tea cups with saucers and a porcelain teapot with a blend that was still seeping, he had most of his thoughts back under control. Callen took the cup and saucer from her once she had filled it. He leaned back in his seat and idly stirred the tea, knowing no further discussion would happen until Hetty deemed it the right time. It allowed him some more moments to get his head into the game.

He followed her example and took a small sip, savoring the flavor of one of her special blends. She did have exquisite taste. A small smile played over his features when he remembered his first sip of one of her tea blends, so different to any kinds of tea (colored water) he’d had before meeting Hetty.

An answering smile flittered over Hetty’s lips and he felt himself relax slightly while his mind sharpened. She nodded at whatever she saw in his expression and put her cup down. “So. Miss Blye?” she prompted.

He nodded, not repeating his request, knowing he didn’t need to. He, too, put his cup down after taking another sip.

“I suspect you have a reason for your request?” Hetty asked calmly.

Holding Hetty’s gaze, he answered with a simple word, “yes.” He saw the tightening of her eyes, the brief spark of dismay and annoyance that flittered through her eyes. Callen held back the smile that threatened to break out at the revelation. Hetty was fishing for information. It was a small victory, but one he knew he would allow himself to cherish later. Usually, it was the other way around with Hetty knowing it all and carefully leading them to wherever she wanted to have them, or to whatever she wanted them to know. To understand that she - for once - wasn’t one step ahead of him… if the topic wasn’t so grave, he would enjoy this victory quite a bit more.

“Will you tell me your reason?” she asked evenly, projecting calm and confidence while she leaned back in her seat and reached for her tea once more.

This time, Callen did smile. “No,” he said, his tone matching hers.

Again, there was a tightening of her expression, one that she didn’t bother to hide this time. Hetty let out a controlled breath, “I will need more than that, Mr. Callen. Keeping Agent Blye out of the field on a whim is not something I condone.”

Callen straightened sharply, his eyes narrowing, “this isn’t on a whim,” he growled, backpedalling instantly when he realized his mistake. Damn Hetty and her manipulative ways. Forcing his reactions back under his control, he made his features smooth out and relax while he leaned back and mirrored her by picking up his tea once again.

Hetty’s eyes followed him, analyzing and cataloguing, her expression not hiding the fact that she was making connections in the back of her brain.

Callen took a sip of his tea, once more allowing the flavor and the repetitive and soothing motions to relax him. He was glad to find his hands remained steady. Still, Hetty waited. “Look, Hetty, I do not necessarily need your approval for that decision. This is my team and it is well within my rights as a team leader to bench Kensi if I see the need for it.”

“And yet you came to me,” Hetty stated mildly.

Yeah, she did have him there. “I would prefer to have your backup rather than go against you.”

Hetty pursed her lips, “I would like to know your reasoning for this request before I decide on a course of action.”

The fact that she had said that she would _like_ to know his reasoning and not would _have_ to know it, told him that she was not about to shoot his request down. So he took a calculated risk and shook his head, “I’m sorry, Hetty, but I can’t give you more right now.”

“ _Can’t_ or _won’t_?”

Callen tilted his head to the side, staying silent and therefore confirming her suspicion.

They sat in silence for several long minutes, both contemplating their own thoughts while sipping their tea. When Hetty put her empty cup down, Callen tensed slightly, waiting. “Alright, Mr. Callen, I will concede to your request for the time being.”

He allowed himself a brief moment to sigh internally before he nodded.

“Please inform me when you have resolved whatever it is you are worried about,” Hetty continued. She shifted her cup to the side, opening up the laptop in front of her, effectively ending their tea-time and the conversation.

Callen finished his tea and put his cup back onto the tray. He stood up and left her office, turning at the entrance pillar and glancing back at her, “thank you, Hetty.” She wasn’t someone who did anything without knowing the reasons and the fact that she backed him up now bolstered his courage and let him know that she trusted his judgment enough to go along with his request. Now he only had to find a way to help Kensi.

Xxxxxxx

When Kensi came back to OSP for the first time, he watched her. She put up a good front, but it was a front nonetheless. As soon as she thought no one was watching her, her expression fell. The strain she was under to hold up the façade would weight on her. He knew, remembered.

He was glad that he had made the decision to keep her out of the field for now.

On the other hand, he still didn’t know how to approach her.

There were small signs that she wasn’t coping… her interactions with Deeks - hell, with all of them - had changed, were more subdued and restrained. She held herself more tightly and he had seen her jerk away or flinch a few times. She looked permanently exhausted, the circles under her eyes barely hidden by well-applied make-up.

He had seen Hetty’s speculative gaze linger on Kensi, had also noticed Sam watching her closely. He wasn’t sure what they saw and what they thought the reasons were, but he wouldn’t disclose his own belief. Still, he wondered whether it would be an idea to get Nate involved. Then again, for all that their operational psychologist was trained to help them cope with their jobs, he wasn’t sure if Kensi would go for it.

When Kensi left for the armory, a week after she first came back to work, he watched her go, giving her a few minutes of a head start before he stood and followed. He watched her from the doorway, watched as she stood bent over one of the cleaning tables, her head down, her chest heaving.

Shifting, he allowed his movement to evoke a sound that carried to where Kensi stood. She straightened sharply and instantly dragged her masks back up. There was the Kensi they knew, confident and strong… if only it wasn’t a façade.

Callen unhurriedly stepped further into the room, consciously choosing the opposite side of the table to where she stood, leaving the table between them as a buffer and safety distance for her. He caught her gaze and held it, shifting ever so slightly when she wanted to look away and thereby holding her focus.

“I know it doesn’t feel like it now, Kens, but you will heal,” he told her quietly.

Her nostrils flared before her posture straightened in defense. “I’m alright, Callen. My wounds have healed already. They didn’t even scar,” she told him breezily, seemingly confident, a fake smile on her lips.

He kept his face impassive, watching as she squirmed under his gaze. “Alright,” he eventually relented, backing down, “if you ever find they didn’t heal as much as you thought they did, come find me,” he told her, briefly allowing his masks to fall, letting her see his own pain, decade old demons tumbling through his usually calm exterior.

He watched her recoil and pale before she caught herself. By then he had pulled his masks back up, straightened and pushed away from the table. He stopped briefly in the entrance to the armory, glancing back at her over his shoulder. “Anytime, Kens. Day or night.” With that, he left.

He could only hope that she would take him up on it.

Xxxxxxx

He had hoped that talking to Kensi would give her a more or less gentle nudge, but it didn’t. Instead, she retreated from him, evading him whenever possible. Her masks got better though and when Hetty called him to her ‘office’ twelve days after Kensi first came back, he couldn’t offer her a reason for keeping Kensi out of the field any longer.

Hetty seemed disappointed when he still didn’t elaborate on his reasons, but she at least accepted that he _had_ reasons.

He wasn’t completely confident about putting Kensi back into the field, but maybe it would help her, make her regain some small piece of normalcy even though things were a long way from normal for her right now.

Xxxxxxx

“What’s with you and Kensi?” The question was simple. And yet it wasn’t.

Callen glanced out of the window, his eyes lingering on the entrance of the building where they suspected their mark to show up. The surveillance had gone on for much longer than he wanted and he itched to go out and get something done. And now with the question he itched to evade the interrogation he was sure Sam was shoring himself up for.

“Don’t know what you mean,” Callen replied evasively.

He could _feel_ Sam rolling his eyes at him. “I’ll be more specific then. You’ve watched her for weeks now, observing her. And she’s been evading you.”

Callen shrugged, “it’s my job to watch over her, make sure she’s ok in the field.”

“You don’t think she is.”

He shrugged again, “she hasn’t done anything wrong.”

“But you think she will.”

He shook his head and glanced at Sam, “I hope she won’t.”

Silence settled around them for several moments, only interrupted by the crinkle of the paper that Sam was calmly folding into another swan from Chernobyl. He glanced at the creature that Sam was folding. He still thought it was a frog. Or maybe it was a monkey. Callen returned his attention to the building.

“You don’t think she’s ok, do you?” Sam asked quietly.

Callen took a breath while he formulated his answer. Instead of following through with a reply, he straightened in his seat though, reaching for the door release. “That’s our guy.”

With that, any discussion about Kensi was aborted while they sprang into action to get their suspect.

Xxxxxxx

He continued watching over her, but Kensi seemed to stabilize on her own. Or maybe she did have someone else to talk to. Or her façade got better. He wasn’t sure, but he also wouldn’t force it. As long as she continued performing well on the job, he had no reason to bench her. He did have reason to approach her, but the last time he had tried hadn’t exactly helped.

Kensi was doing a good job and while shadows often lingered under her eyes, she seemed to be mostly ok.

Still, some small part of him waited for what would happen when she realized that it wasn’t ok.


	2. Chapter 2

The tape was playing Russian phrases in the background and Callen was about to repeat the sentence when his ears picked up on a sound outside. Additionally, the shadows in front of his house shifted. He shrunk back into the darkness inside his living room, his hand going for the gun at the back of his waistband.

He frowned when someone knocked - pounded - on his door. Even in that sound, there was a certain amount of desperation that set him further on edge.

Quietly approaching the door, he snuck a glance outside.

Kensi.

He briefly let his eyes take in the surroundings behind her, checking for pursuers or other people that shouldn’t be there, finding none. Tucking his gun away, he opened the door, half taken aback and half resigned when he caught a closer look of Kensi.

Her cheeks were tear-strained, her posture hunched, she was shivering and her whole bearing screamed of uncertainty and unease, fear and desperation.

“I… you said…,” she choked haltingly. Kensi shivered again, her arms going around her frame, looking as if she was trying to keep herself from shaking apart rather than to fend off the cold.

He wanted to reach out and draw her into his arms, stabilize her when she seemed to be at breaking point. At the same time, he feared she would recoil from the touch and he would make it worse. It had been her decision to come to him. It needed to be her decision how far she let him into her personal space.

Exercising iron control over his movements, he slowly stretched out his hand to her, palm up - an offer, not a request. It didn’t take a genius to understand why she was here and what she referred to. “Anytime, Kens. Day or night,” he repeated the words he had spoken to her nearly a month ago in the armory.

After a brief moment of hesitation, Kensi put her hand into his and with the contact established, she seemed to shrink into herself, her frame bowing under the strain. She stepped forward and practically fell into his arms.

He slowly maneuvered them into his house, closing the door behind them after another brief scan of the surroundings outside. He somehow doubted that Kensi was even aware of the fact that they were moving. She clung to him, soft sounds of distress falling from her lips as sobs wracked her body. He didn’t shush her, instead he let her cry and held her close, offering protection and safety. This was a storm of emotions that couldn’t be stopped. Instead it had to run its course. It had been a long time in coming and emotions demanded to be felt.

He moved them over to the easy chair - still the only item of furniture inside of his living room - sitting down and wordlessly taking her with him, tucking her against his body. His fingers slid into her hair, cradling her head to his chest. He whispered gentle words into her hair, suspecting that the words themselves would not be understood, but the cadence, the rhythm and rumble of his voice would hopefully sink into her subconscious and help ground her.

He could only hope that the damn tape that continued to play Russian phrases in the background wouldn’t set her senses alert. He wasn’t sure if she was caught in a flashback or if it was just the barriers breaking that she had set up to blank out what had happened, but a foreign language might not exactly help tether her to reality right now. He was glad when the tape eventually clicked off.

It took a long time before Kensi calmed down. She drew back from him, her eyes widening when she recognized her surroundings. She must have been gone further than he had expected if she didn’t know where she was. Obviously, instinct had led her here, and he felt a moment of gratitude that she had come to him, that her subconscious had led her here instead of out into the night on her own.

When Kensi made to jump up, he held up his hand, watching as she eyed it warily. “Don’t, Kens. There’s no need for embarrassment,” he told her softly, keeping his voice even and soothing. He wouldn’t keep her from standing, but he didn’t mind their proximity. “I told you to come to me when you needed me. You’re safe here, I promise.”

She watched him for another moment before nodding slowly, drawing a shaky breath and leaning forward once more, hanging her head. His arms came back up, instinctively encircling her carefully while hoping she didn’t find it restricting.

“Are you injured?” he asked softly, his words a mere whisper. This was one of the more pressing questions right now. He didn’t know what had transpired to send her spiraling into this deep an emotional reaction, but making sure there were no wounds to patch up was necessary. When Kensi shook her head weakly against his shoulder, he relaxed a little bit further, glad that she wasn’t physically hurt and he didn’t need to take action to get her patched up.

He idly wondered whether to prod her for answers or just leave her be. He had always hated being prodded about anything concerning his personal space, so for the moment, he decided to err on the side of caution and remain silent. Kensi needed to feel safe and if she felt backed into a corner, she might run. There was no telling where she would end up then. He couldn’t risk that.

“You know what happened, don’t you?”

The words were quiet, barely above a whisper and only their close proximity guaranteed that he heard them at all. Callen sighed softly and put his chin on top of her head. “In Afghanistan?” he murmured, not reacting to her flinch, “yeah, I’m pretty sure I do. Today? No, I don’t.”

“Deeks, he…” she broke off.

His features tightened involuntarily. “Did he hurt you?” he asked slowly, barely keeping the protective growl from his voice. If Deeks had done anything to hurt her, he would hunt him down, team mate or not.

Kensi shook her head forcefully, her head still tucked against his chest, hiding her face from view. He could hear the tears in her voice when she spoke the next words, “no, he… we… everything was fine.” She fell silent, soft sobs shaking her frame.

He ran his hand down the back of her head, offering silent comfort. “What happened?” he prompted gently, when she obviously struggled to continue.

“He… we kissed and he touched me, and suddenly…” she broke off.

She didn’t need to continue though. He could connect the dots. “Everything came crashing back,” he finished her sentence, voicing what she hadn’t been able to say. She confirmed it when she nodded her head against his chest.

“Everything was _fine_ ,” she sobbed, the tone of voice suggesting she was trying to convince herself more than him.

Callen brushed a gentle kiss against the top of her head. “No, nothing has been fine,” he disagreed gently, “you have tried to push everything away and forget it happened.”

“It works.”

He laughed softly, “with a lot of things it does for people like you and me.” He sobered before allowing a sigh to escape, “with something like this though, it doesn’t.” He fell silent for a moment before continuing in an even softer voice, “at least it didn’t for me.”

“When?” Kensi asked, drawing away from him and establishing eye contact.

He leaned back into the easy chair, wanting to hide but instead holding her gaze, knowing it was important to her… maybe to both of them. “I was thirteen,” he said softly. He’d been very much old enough to know that what was happening was wrong, but not old enough to protect himself and stop it from happening.

Kensi looked part resigned and part shocked. The statistics about abuse in the foster system were pretty much known - the official numbers were known at least and those were bad already. His upbringing in the system was not a secret and every now and then a case revealed some snippets of what his childhood had been like. Knowing about the physical abuse he’d grown up with made it not that much of a stretch that something else had happened.

Callen smiled slightly when Kensi reached for him, her fingers brushing against his temple in a gentle gesture of comfort. She was deeply unsettled by her own pain, but still showing compassion to something that had happened to him years ago. “How did you cope?”

“Didn’t at first,” Callen shrugged, “locked it away as I did with everything else. Didn’t work. Eventually I had someone to talk to. Things got easier then. Not exactly better, but yeah… then, when Jason was killed by our foster father… everything spiraled out of control after that. Took me a long time to crawl back out of the hole I had fallen into.”

Kensi watched him closely while he talked, absorbing the information he gave her. She sighed softly. “How did you know?”

There was a distinct shift in the conversation and he knew they weren’t talking about his past anymore. “I saw it in your eyes,” he admitted softly, “it’s a look I’ve seen in others… and one that stared back at me when I looked into the mirror all those years ago.”

Kensi glanced away from him, closing her eyes. “Will it get better?” her voice was quiet and she held herself still, but a tremor ran through her frame anyway.

“Yes and no,” he said evenly, “it gets easier and less prominent, but for me it never went away completely. It’s buried and doesn’t impact on me on a daily basis, but sometimes it demands attention.” It wasn’t what she wanted to hear, but he wouldn’t lie to her. He could only tell her how it was for him. Maybe there were others out there who completely shrugged something like that off. He didn’t know.

Kensi nodded in resignation, leaning forward again and resting her head back against his chest. “I’m scared,” she whispered.

He knew how much it would have taken her to admit that. Kensi was a fierce and strong woman. Being a woman in their job meant they had to be stronger, harder and better than any male individual to prove themselves good enough to do the job. Admitting to being scared was nothing that came easily to her.

Callen tightened his arms around her frame, stroking a hand through her hair. “I know, but I promise you’ll get through this. You’re not alone, Kens. Remember: anytime, day or night.”

She nodded against his chest. “It was instinct to come here. Didn’t even know I’d done it.”

“Good,” he murmured. Better here than anywhere else. “Maybe… and I don’t want you to agree or disagree right now, just think about it. I can ask Hetty to bring Nate home,” he told her quietly, feeling her tensing and making to draw away. “Just think about it, Kens. I’ve never gone down that road and talked to a professional, but sometimes I think it would have been a good idea.”

Silence settled around them and eventually, he felt and heard Kensi’s breathing evening out, her body softening against his as exhaustion overpowered her and she fell asleep. He was glad that she felt safe enough with him to let herself succumb to the exhaustion. He gave it a few more minutes to make sure she stayed asleep before he carefully got up and carried her into the guest bedroom. He gently put her down on the bed and tucked her in, quietly leaving the room.

Leaning against the closed door in his back, he sighed, swallowing down the nausea at the pictures, sounds and feelings from his past that bubbled up. He hated them, but he had known that they would come back. They had been close to the surface those last few weeks while he watched over Kensi. With their talk tonight, it was not surprising that they broke the surface. He had needed to open the door to them so that he could try and help Kensi.

Shaking his head, he straightened and pushed away from the door, taking out his phone and typing a short message for Deeks. _She’s safe_ .

With Kensi running out on the man, he guessed that Deeks was confused and depending on how badly Kensi had bolted, the Detective might be out on the streets looking for his partner.

Not even a minute after he had sent the message, his phone rang.

“Callen… I don’t know what happened… everything was fine… and then she wasn’t… I didn’t… I mean… she pushed me away… she ran… I can’t find her…”

Yeah, Deeks was frantic. “Deeks,” Callen interrupted calmly, but the Detective was rambling on. Callen let him talk for a while, waiting to see if he was winding down on his own. When he wasn’t, he eventually rolled his eyes, his patience running out. “Deeks,” he snapped, his voice sharpening into a whiplash and cutting through the other man’s ramble. “Calm down. She’s safe.”

“She’s with you?” the tone was hesitant.

“Yeah, she’s here.”

There was a shaky exhale on the other end. “Can I talk to her?”

Callen smiled softly. Deeks had it bad. His tone of voice betrayed his emotions. “No, not right now. She finally fell asleep.”

“Is she ok?”

Callen sighed, wondering how to word his answer without divulging information that wasn’t his to give. “Physically she’s alright. The last months were hard on her, Deeks. She’s gone through some major trauma in Afghanistan. She’ll need time.”

“She was doing alright. Behaving normal. Everything was going back to normal and today we…” Deeks broke off, most certainly swallowing the words down.

“It’s ok, I know. She told me what happened today,” Callen stated evenly, half prompting the other man to continue so he would get a more complete picture.

This time it was Deeks who sighed. “We kissed and suddenly she pushed me away and bolted as if hellhounds were after her.”

“It’s not your fault, Deeks,” Callen said calmly.

The other man huffed a breathless and disbelieving laugh, “I don’t know about you, mate, but that’s not generally a reaction I get when I kiss a woman I…” he broke off and Callen could nearly hear him swallow down the L-word. Despite everything, he felt a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.

Still, he couldn’t say any more without most certainly leaving hints about what had happened to Kensi and he didn’t want that right now. He had said enough already. Deeks was perceptive and he was trained to _detect_ , as he liked to remind them, so Callen was sure that he would soon start putting the clues together. Especially now that the worry about whether or not his partner was safe would abate. Kensi bolting when they were about to get intimate would be one strong hint. Deeks had been in law enforcement long enough to start putting the clues together even if he was emotionally involved and therefore somewhat compromised. Callen didn’t want to be the one talking to Deeks when that happened. So he did what he would have liked to do about this whole mess in the first place… he stepped back into the shadows. “Go home, Deeks. She’s safe. Everything else will work itself out.” Without giving the other man a chance to respond, he hung up.

He then slid down the wall in his living room and buried his face in his hands.


	3. Chapter 3

Callen glanced up when Kensi stepped out of the hallway into the kitchen. She looked mostly alright, if still pale and with shadows dancing in her eyes. He stepped over to the counter and filled the mug he had set out for her. Returning to his place at the breakfast bar, he placed the mug down closest to her, but left enough space between them so she wouldn’t feel threatened or pressured. In the light of day, he didn’t know how skittish she would be.

Kensi approached somewhat tentatively and he tried giving her a reassuring smile before taking a sip of his tea.

“I didn’t know you had a bed in your house,” Kensi said slowly.

Callen smirked, “it’s not like I usually use it, but I have found that with some injuries, getting up from a bed is preferable to the floor.”

A smile flittered over Kensi’s features and her shoulders relaxed minutely. “You’re getting old,” she said, a hint of a jibe in her voice.

“Happens to the best of us,” Callen gave back with a soft laugh and a shrug. “You sleep ok?” he asked her gently. He had checked on her several times during the night and she had seemed alright, exhaustion probably dragging her under and granting her a dreamless sleep. The same couldn’t be said for him. The few moments of rest he had gotten were filled with age old images - not that he had expected anything different.

“Yeah,” Kensi sighed, “better than usual lately.”

“Good.”

Silence descended around them, but it was an easy silence and neither of them seemed to have the urge to fill it. Callen was glad that she wasn’t trying to apologize for last night or was otherwise embarrassed by what had happened.

Eventually, one of the things he had considered during the night became more pressing. He didn’t exactly want to touch that topic, but it was necessary. “Kens,” he called out to her, seeing her snap out of her thousand yard stare. Whatever she saw in his expression, she tensed, bracing herself. “Have you been checked medically?” he asked slowly.

She shook her head, the gesture somewhere between frantic and scared, “no, I’m fine. Everything healed,” she choked out, her hands shaking.

He could believe that, it had been weeks after all, but that wasn’t his main worry. And she had basically already confirmed that she hadn’t sought out medical help, “alright, but…” he sighed, “have you been tested?”

Kensi tilted her head in askance, obviously not following his thought process. If she hadn’t considered this before, she had really blocked what had happened quite successfully.

Callen reached up and raked a hand through his short hair, hating that he would have to spell it out, “STDs, Kens, or a pregnancy.”

There was a brief moment of pause, a moment of silence that hung in the room before the mug fell from Kensi’s hand, crashing to the floor while she bolted for the sink, retching.

Callen grimaced, hating that his question had prompted this but knowing it needed to be asked. He slowly straightened away from the breakfast bar and stepped up beside her, holding her hair back from her face. That she didn’t recoil from his touch was a testament to the trust she placed in him.

When Kensi eventually straightened, he took a small step away, not wanting to crowd her. He fetched a glass from one of the cabinets and filled it with water, handing it out to her so she could rinse her mouth.

“Sorry,” the words were quiet, her voice shaking.

“Don’t be,” Callen shook his head, “I’m sorry I had to ask.”

Kensi sighed and shook her head, “I didn’t… I should have… it just…” she started several times and aborted whatever she tried to formulate. It was still enough to allow him to understand. She had ignored everything and had not considered these aspects of possible repercussions.

“You’ll need to get tested, Kens,” he told her firmly, leaving no room for discussion. He was glad when she nodded her head in agreement. If there was one thing that he was good at, it was taking charge and making plans. “We’ll stop at your place so you can get changed into some fresh clothes, then we’ll get that sorted,” he said calmly, using his team leader voice.

“What? Now?” Her voice rose in pitch.

He knew this was a lot for her right now but this was something that needed to be taken care off as quickly as possible. Callen stepped up to her and reached for her hand, not sure if any other touch would be appreciated in this moment. He squeezed her fingers when she didn’t draw back from him, “yes, Kens, now,” he murmured softly, “waiting won’t make it easier or better.”

She deflated before his eyes and hung her head, “I know.”

Xxxxxxx

When Kensi vanished inside her apartment, Callen took out his phone. He had considered going inside with her, but had decided against it, instead giving her some space and not breaching the safety of her home.

Dialing, his eyes on the door, he waited for the call to connect. He didn’t waste time on pleasantries when it did. “Hetty,” he greeted simply, “Kensi will need the day off and I don’t know when and if I will come in today.”

She had given him a bit of leeway lately, going along with him on his say-so, but he somehow doubted that would fly today. Still, he had to try.

“Mr. Callen,” she said slowly, as if testing out the words, and then jumping into a completely different direction than what he had expected her to say, “just what is going on with your team? Mr. Deeks came in today looking like his own shadow, and now you’re telling me that Ms. Blye needs time off and you might not appear today either.”

Oh. Deeks. He hadn’t considered that. Callen rubbed a hand over his face, sorting his thoughts and words. “Bench Deeks. Hell, you should probably bench the whole team for the foreseeable future.” He wasn’t sure how much good he would be able to do in the field if the team remained on operational status, but he could compartmentalize enough to be functional. He knew that wouldn’t apply to Kensi in the foreseeable future and probably also not to Deeks. Fuck. This would impact hard on the team. Regardless of how much Kensi would allow the others to know, this would not just blow over. The team would have to adjust and adapt and for that they would need time.

The silence on the other end of the line was prelude to a storm coming. “Mr. Callen…” Hetty started, her voice low and dangerous, but he did something he rarely did: he interrupted her.

“No, Hetty. I know you’ve given me leeway lately and I’m asking for a little bit more. Things are a mess right now, but I cannot give you any more details. Please, I’m asking for you to trust me a little bit longer,” Callen said, keeping his voice mostly even. It was rare that Hetty lost her temper, and it was even rarer that she lost sight of what was happening around her.

There was a drawn out exhale before she spoke, “alright. I trust you’re doing what you can to fix this mess.” An order, not a question.

“I am,” he told her firmly and then glanced up when he saw Kensi approach. “Thank you, Hetty.” With that, he terminated the connection.

Xxxxxxx

Kensi’s leg was jiggling up and down in a frantic rhythm when they pulled up in front of the OB/GYN practice she had guided him to. They had briefly discussed a hospital versus a private practice, but he had carefully nudged her towards the private practice for several reasons. First, she was a patient there so she would know the treating physician which he suspected would be better than being treated by a complete stranger and second, a trip to the hospital would most likely be flagged in Ops when her ID came up in the system. And _that_ was definitely something he wanted to avoid. He was sure Kensi wouldn’t want that either, but right now, she couldn’t see the bigger picture and didn’t consider every angle.

Callen shut off the engine and waited, not looking over to Kensi. He would give her the time she needed right now. It was a full five minutes before she spoke. “Will you come in with me?” There was a forlorn tone in her voice, hesitancy and uncertainty.

He didn’t move, barely turned his head to glance in her direction and give her a small smile, “yes, of course,” he replied, making sure to keep his voice even and strong, projecting confidence where she faltered.

Another two minutes later, Kensi sighed and reached for her seatbelt. He followed her example and got out of the car, stepping up beside her and half guiding, half following her into the building. He gave the lead over to her when they approached the counter. When the receptionist glanced up at them, he waited, watching as Kensi opened and closed her mouth a few times, no words coming out.

Callen reached for her hand and squeezed it gently before turning back to the receptionist. “My friend was assaulted a while ago. She doesn’t have an appointment but we were hoping you could squeeze her in,” he said quietly. The receptionist glanced over at Kensi, her expression sympathetic in a way he knew he would hate if he were in Kensi’s shoes. He squeezed her hand again and she exhaled and glanced down.

“You’re a patient with us?”

Kensi nodded and gave her details to the receptionist who nodded as she typed into her computer. “Alright, take a seat,” she pointed to the waiting room.

Xxxxxxx

By the time her name was called, Kensi was close to biting her nails. Callen had made sure to stay still, keeping his posture relaxed and easygoing. While he felt the nervous energy run through his system, he kept a tight lid on it. Kensi needed someone to ground her right now, not someone as nervous and unsettled as she was.

Callen waited for her to let go of him to go into the examination room by herself, instead she tugged him up and practically towed him after her. Now _that_ wasn’t what he had expected and a bolt of unease shot through him, making him wonder just what he had signed up for.

Drawing upon years of undercover experience, he carefully tucked his unease into the back of his mind and entered the room they were shown to behind Kensi, taking a seat in front of the desk.

Kensi practically clung to his hand and he gave her a reassuring glance. “It’s gonna be ok, Kens,” he murmured gently.

Only when the doctor entered the room a few minutes later, his eyes left Kensi. The woman was in her forties and a calm and competent air surrounded her which made him relax. Intelligent eyes were taking them in and lingered briefly on their joined hands. Internally, Callen allowed himself a small and sad smile at the conclusion the doctor might draw - a nervous couple, maybe checking up on a pregnancy. What she would get was something far different.

The doctor nodded in greeting while she slipped around the desk and took her seat. “Ms. Blye and…” she let the sentence hang, waiting for him to introduce himself.

Callen gave her a smile, “Callen,” he stated simply, seeing no need to hide his identity considering that Kensi was here under her real name, “I’m a friend of Kensi.” He glanced over to Kensi and waited if she would take the lead this time. She gave him a small shake of her head and he nodded in acceptance.

Callen turned back to the doctor who was watching them carefully. “Kensi has been assaulted several weeks ago,” he said slowly. The doctor’s eyes briefly moved over to Kensi, her features tightening slightly before she returned her gaze to Callen. “She hasn’t been checked over since then or tested for STDs or a pregnancy,” he added calmly, keeping his voice even.

“Alright,” the doctor said, her tone of voice matching his as she addressed Kensi, “evidence collection will not give us any results if weeks have passed since the incident. Still, it is good that you came. A physical exam and tests are a good idea to make sure you’re ok.” She trailed off for a few moments, “even if we cannot collect any evidence, you should consider reporting the incident. Whether you do or you don’t, I will have to inform law enforcement that a crime has occurred. It’s procedure I’m afraid.”

Callen shook his head and reached into his pocket, withdrawing his badge, “the assault didn’t occur on US territory and wasn’t conducted by US citizen so those regulations don’t apply. Taking care of Kensi is my priority right now.”

The doctor nodded in understanding. “I see,” she stated simply, making a notation in the file before turning back to them. “I’ll take a blood sample and then do a physical examination where I can take some swabs for testing. How long ago did the assault happen?”

“Approximately six weeks,” Callen replied, watching the doctor get up and prepare what she needed to draw blood.

Kensi remained quiet at his side, but she drew up the sleeve of her shirt when the doctor approached. She talked quietly to Kensi and while she wasn’t responding verbally, he could see a slight easing of her frame. Once done, the doctor nodded towards the privacy screen.

“I should give you some privacy for that,” Callen muttered gently and stood. He went about untangling his fingers from Kensi’s to leave the room when she tightened her hold. “Stay, please?” she asked, glancing up at him.

_Definitely_ not how he had expected his day to go. Still, he had asked her to confide in him and trust him, which she obviously did if she wanted him here during the physical examination. So it was time to man up. In for a penny, in for a pound. Callen sank back down into his chair and nodded. “Alright.”

When Kensi vanished behind the privacy screen, he allowed himself a moment of weakness, leaning forward and resting his face in his hands for a brief second. The doctor’s eyes held sympathy when their gazes met the next time. She gave him a small smile of understanding and reassurance both and he returned the smile even if it felt slightly hollow at the moment.

He listened to the sound of Kensi moving around behind him, of her stepping over to the examination chair that stood in the corner of the room. “Kens?” he asked, without turning, giving her the lead in how to proceed.

“I’m good,” she replied, her voice shaking somewhat but confident enough for him to remain where he was. Maybe his presence inside the room would be enough for her.

A few minutes later that hope was dashed when she called him over. Even though she was behind him, his focus had been on her and he wasn’t completely surprised when she called him. He had listened to the way her breathing changed several times, alternately speeding up or holding her breath. He sighed internally. He had worked with Kensi for years, had seen a lot of her body during one undercover operation or another, but this was definitely outside of his comfort zone… like _way_ outside of it.

Standing, he turned, fixing his eyes on her face while he approached. There was a stool beside the examination chair and he sank down on it, taking her hand when she reached for him. There was discomfort and uncertainty in her expression and he decided to try and distract her. He gave her a boyish grin, “for the record: I’m intimidated and outside of my comfort zone.”

His words shocked a laugh out of her and her eyes crinkled with humor - the first real hint of it that he had seen from her in weeks. “Didn’t think I’d see the day that G. Callen would admit to being scared.”

He latched onto the line she had given him, “never said anything about being scared,” he disagreed, then pretended to consider, “not sure if intimidated is much better though.”

She nodded and then sobered, “hey Callen?” This time it was her who squeezed his hand, “thanks.”

He brushed his thumb over the back of her hand in a wordless reply, adding a gentle “anytime,” as verbal assurance.

Her eyes had lost the panicked edge and while she didn’t exactly look calm and confident, a hint of her strong personality shone through. It would take time, but she would be alright.

Xxxxxxx

Kensi breathed a sigh of relief when they left the practice. Callen followed suit and they glanced at each other, sharing a huff of a laugh, part incredulous and half humorous.

He guided them over to his car, holding the door open for her. When they were both settled inside, he glanced over to her. “Where to, Kens?”

She dragged a hand through her hair before taking a deep breath. “Ops.”

Callen rolled his eyes. All of them were workaholics, but this was taking it a bit far. She had just faced some intense memories and dealt with things she had tried to repress. That was more than enough for one day. No need to mix facing her coworkers or some random terrorists to the list - not that she would get into contact with terrorists today since he had benched the team. Anyway.

He started the engine and drove away. Kensi was lost to her own contemplations whenever he glanced over to check on her so she didn’t notice to where he drove them until he killed the engine.

When Kensi looked up and then frowned, he got out of the car, waiting for her to follow. The fact that she hadn’t noticed him leaving L.A. and driving up the Pacific Coast Highway let him know her mind was miles away. Not surprising, but it confirmed his suspicion that Kensi was at the end of her endurance right now.

“Callen?” she asked slowly, glancing around the mostly deserted parking lot.

He gave her a smile and stretched out his hand. “Come on. Trust me.”

She nodded and once more put her hand in his. He tugged her after him, leading her away from the parking lot and up a small hiking trail. The cliffs rose, first gently and then steeper and he led the way for nearly ten minutes before branching away from the official trail.

After another five minutes or so and he stopped, sitting down and waiting for her to follow. The sight was as breathtaking as ever and he felt the first stirrings of ease creep up on him that this place always brought. They were close to the cliff’s edge, protected from the wind by some rocks in their back. To their left was an isolated cove, only one or two people visible down there. On the other side, the coast stretched out on a longer and wider beach, similarly quiet though. In front of them, the Pacific Ocean took the center stage.

He didn’t look back at Kensi, but his senses were attuned to her and he could pinpoint her location easily. It took a few minutes before she sank down beside him and leaned into his side. He accommodated her and put an arm around her shoulder, drawing her in. He had never been an overly physical person, even with the women he’d been in relationships with. Kensi was usually a fierce and strong individual who didn’t exactly invite physical touch either. Right now though, he could see she was floundering and needed someone to ground her. His protective instincts had come out and knowing that he had built up a rapport with her, he had to follow through and not do a half-assed job in taking care of her.

“This is one of the places I retreat to when I need to clear my head. When things get bad and I need to get away to sort myself out,” he admitted softly.

Kensi sighed softly and settled herself more comfortably against him. When he glanced at her, she had her eyes closed. Her features were drawn and exhausted.

“Get some rest, Kens, there’s no one out here but us. I’ve got your back,” he murmured gently before he turned back to take in the sight around them and let the sounds of the ocean ground him. Kensi grew heavier against him and he could tell the moment she dropped off to sleep, her breathing deepening and her body softening.

He let himself relax, his senses attuned to their surroundings, despite not expecting any trouble. This place was isolated, exactly why he had chosen it today for her, why he had chosen it many times before for himself.

He ignored the vibration of his phone signaling an incoming call, not intent on breaking the quiet with talking, wanting to let Kensi rest. He only shifted carefully to take his cell out when a text followed the call some minutes later.

Sam - of course his partner was checking up on them.

_Take care of her_.

Callen smiled slightly. Usually, it would be Sam’s place to take care of one of their team. His mother-hen of a partner was the caregiver and usually, Callen gladly stepped back and let him take over. Not right now though. He felt that this was his job to do, to provide help for Kensi. He typed a one-handed reply, letting Sam know that he was doing exactly that, before he replaced the phone in his pocket.

When Kensi woke an hour or so later, Callen didn’t shift, didn’t even open his eyes when he felt her breathing change. He held still, waiting for what Kensi would do. She curled closer into his side, sighing softly. Callen tightened his arm around her, letting her know he was aware that she was awake and here if she needed him.

“What about OSP?” Kensi asked quietly after some minutes.

“Day off for you,” he replied, equally gently.

“What did you tell Hetty?” There was trepidation in her tone, a slight warble.

He leaned a little of his weight against her, firming their physical connection. “Nothing,” he said simply.

Kensi’s head bowed down and she took a slow breath, “does… does Hetty know?”

He could understand the hesitation and unease in that question. Generally, they all operated under the assumption that Hetty knew everything. For Hetty to know about this though… he guessed that while being able to share that burden with him would help Kensi immensely, it still wasn’t something you wanted others to be aware of. Their team was a very close knit group though and with the lines blurring between co-workers, friends, family and potential relationships, this was a disaster recipe for a huge mess. “She hasn’t given me any indication that she’s aware of what happened to you,” Callen responded slowly.

Considering the nature of some of their undercover operations and the roles they sometimes had to play, Hetty - if not the whole team - would eventually have to be made aware of it though. Callen could veto angles of approach to shield Kensi and if he was partnered with her in certain situations, he could keep a watchful eye, but the whole team might have to adapt so that they could protect Kensi when they were out in the field and she found herself in a situation she couldn’t handle.

“Deeks… I ran out on him yesterday,” she straightened sharply, “he must be frantic. My phone…” she pattered her clothes but didn’t come up with her cell.

“He’s ok, Kens. I talked to him last night. He knows you’re safe,” Callen told her calmly, interrupting her frantic search.

She sighed and deflated somewhat. “He’s going to have questions,” Kensi whispered.

It was Callen’s turn to sigh, “yeah.” He tugged her back against his side, once more offering her a stable hold.

“Yesterday… you…” she broke off and he didn’t prompt, unsure where her thoughts were currently straying, deciding to give her space to sort her thoughts out. “You think Nate could…”

He was somewhat relieved that she brought up Nate. Getting Kensi professional help was most certainly the best thing to do and eventually, Callen would have been forced to push the issue - at the very least, someone would have to assess Kensi’s mental state to sign her fit for duty. Considering the nature of their assignments, Callen wouldn’t have been able to allow Kensi to return to active duty without her seeking out help. He hadn’t looked forward to having to put his foot down, so he was even more thankful to have her bring up the topic and therefore suggest she may be open to a discussion. “He’s a professional, Kens. If you let him, I’m sure he could help you a lot.”

“Why didn’t you?”

And here they ventured back into his own past. Especially knowing that he hadn’t sought out professional help, he had been aware that pushing Kensi towards accepting help would have been difficult to sell. He shrugged a little bit without displacing her from her position against his side. “I didn’t trust any of the counselors and therapists they put in front of me. And even if I did… no one would have believed me anyway. I’d been marked as a liar and troublemaker. So nothing would have come from it. Later…” he sighed softly, “I made some kind of peace with what happened and I locked those two months away. It didn’t feel like dragging it up again would do any kind of good,” he paused briefly before allowing a smirk to appear, “plus: I like playing with shrinks too much to really sit down and get serious.”

Kensi laughed softly, turning her face into his shoulder to hide the mirth. Her shoulders shook with silent laughter and he was glad that he could cheer her up some. She quieted down a few moments later, turning her head to once more glance at the ocean.

Silence fell between them and he let it. He could tell that she was considering things and he didn’t want to interrupt her, instead needed to let her come to some sort of conclusion on her own.

“Hetty would need to be told so she would agree to recall Nate to L.A.,” she murmured.

Callen hummed, “not necessarily,” he disagreed, “I’m sure I could persuade her without going into detail. She knows I was worried about you and then with me calling in for you today, I suspect reassigning Nate would be simpler than you think.” He paused briefly, drawing a slow breath before continuing, “I’m not sure if it’s possible to keep this from her forever though,” he added in a murmur, “we would have to adapt some undercover operations because whether you want it or not, this will impact on what you will be comfortable with in the field… at least short-term, possibly also long-term. Hetty will need to know so we can work around this and plan accordingly. It will be next to impossible for me to run interference without Hetty’s knowledge and she might overrule me unless she knows the reasons.”

Kensi remained silent, but aside of a tensing of her posture, she didn’t react. Again, he let her digest the information, suspecting she would come to the same conclusion, no matter if she wanted to admit to it or not. “What about the others?” she whispered.

Callen shrugged once more, “your decision,” he said firmly, “I’ll back your play no matter what. I hope you know that they would never think differently of you if you told them and that they would do whatever they could to help you through this, but if you don’t want them to know, you don’t have to tell them.”

Once more, silence fell between them.

“Deeks…” she broke off and he didn’t prompt, “I… we… he will have to know if what’s between us can have any chance to grow.”

He was here first and foremost as her friend and not her team-leader, so he ignored any implications of what their changing relationship might mean for the team. He also felt she didn’t need him to talk right now, instead needed to sort her thoughts and merely put things out there. Moments later, she indeed went on, her face still turned to the ocean.

“If Deeks knows and you do… it’s not fair on the rest of the team to remain in the dark.”

Callen tightened his embrace slightly, “this is not about being fair on them,” he pointed out gently but firmly, not wanting her to feel pressured into divulging information as intimate and painful as this.

“I know, but it still doesn’t feel right,” she murmured, pausing, hesitating. “I just don’t know if I can tell them, tell anyone… you know?”

“Yeah,” he murmured back, turning his head slightly and brushing a kiss against the crown of her head.

Again, silence surrounded them, the gusts of wind, the waves crashing onto the shore beneath and the cries of the sea gulls the only sounds around them. The silence felt different though, Kensi seemingly shoring herself up to a decision. Eventually, she straightened slightly and shifted away from him. He let her go, instead turned to her when she put some distance between them to face him. There was some resolution in her expression, covering the uncertainty rather well. She had come to some sort of decision and was throwing her courage ahead, jumping right after it. He had worked together with Kensi for several years and he felt proud of her now more than ever. He smiled slightly and tilted his head in a silent prompt.

“Call Hetty. Have her meet us somewhere away from OSP, somewhere private. She needs to be told first. And I think having Nate around would be good now,” Kensi stated.

He nodded and took out his phone, not asking if she was sure. He could see that she had made her decision. He also didn’t ask about the team. That would only come later.


	4. Chapter 4

If Hetty’s reaction to being told what Kensi had been through three days prior had been hard to take, watching the team falter and crack at the seams at Kensi’s continued absence without any sort of explanation was sucking on his strength.

The team kept glancing at him, guessing that he knew more than he let on, waiting for him to spill the beans. He didn’t. Kensi hadn’t decided on a way to go yet.

He spent a lot of time with her and she had found refuge at his place. Bare as it was, it seemed to help her settle more than she had been able to settle in her own home.

Hetty had been very quick and resolute, reassigning Nate within half a day. He could see she was battling with guilt as it had been her orders, her underhanded machinations that had brought Kensi to Afghanistan in the first place.

Kensi had met with Nate several times already and while she had been burnt out and a shadow of her own self after the first session, something had settled in her as well, some sort of quiet resolution and strength.

Callen, too, had met with Nate, managing to fend off questions about his own state of mind and manipulating the psychologist into answering some questions of his own… like what he should do to help Kensi or why she sought out physical contact with him, frequently curling up at his side or leaning into him or even why she trusted him more than another female or even Deeks who was by rights her partner in many aspects. He remembered his own reaction from his teenage years, remembered that _any_ sort of physical contact had been shunned and he had withdrawn, jerked away or downright fled whenever it looked like anyone was reaching out to touch him.

Nate being Nate had metaphorically taken him by the hand and led him to come to some sort of conclusion on his own, being that she trusted him because he had caught her fall when she had first come to him, that she trusted him more than even Deeks right now because there had never been any romantic interest between them that colored his touch and that the underlying feeling of a sibling relationship went both ways, allowing her to seek out his presence because he had proven himself to her and she trusted that he would be there for her.

It was a boost for his ego and he only later understood that her behavior, the deepening connection between them also strengthened his roots within their makeshift family. He had grown up with a low self-worth, with remaining distant from everyone, being shunned and passed around and it had hardened his soul against abuse and loneliness while he questioned his ability to fit into any kind of social bonds. To find that he was taking an important role in Kensi’s life, that he was helpful and providing an anchor for her that he himself had always lacked was a new feeling for him.

Glancing at his ringing cell, he put the pen and paperwork down and picked up the phone. He stood and left the bullpen to make sure whatever happened remained somewhat private, very aware of the stares of his team mates in his back. The team was still stood down and stuck with paperwork and while it grated on his nerves, he stood by his decision because he knew by the small amount of paperwork concluded by everyone during the last few days that no one was on top of things. With paperwork it didn’t matter. In the field, being preoccupied and not on top of things could mean bad decisions that ended in casualties.

When he was far enough away, he established the connection before the call could be terminated. “Hey,” he greeted simply, steeling himself for whatever might have to be done now, whatever Kensi might need - verbal reassurance, for him to leave Ops to physically anchor her to the present or anything else. Since Hetty was aware of what was going on, he had basically Card Blanche to come and go as he pleased if needed.

“The results came in,” Kensi said without preamble and there was a warble in her voice he wasn’t sure was relief or tears. Before he could ask, she went on, “all clean. I’m ok.” This time it was relief and tears both that swung in her voice.

A relived sigh escaped him and Callen leaned against the wall in his back, bowing his head down in gratitude. “That’s great news, Kens,” he told her, genuinely happy for her. At least there would be no lasting physical repercussions from the assault. She would battle with the psychological repercussions for a long time if not forever, but she could work through that.

It took a few minutes before she regained control over her voice and while offering some more words of comfort and support, Callen mostly allowed silence to fall between them. He smiled when he heard her take a deep breath on the other end of the line.

“Callen…” she hesitated before forging on, “I’ve been talking to Nate and… with the results… I want the team to know, but I don’t think I’m strong enough to tell them and I don’t want to see their reactions. I know it’s cowardly of me and…” she sighed, before continuing with a trembling voice, “I know it’s unconventional and a lot to ask for but… would you tell them?” The words came out in a rush and ended in a whisper.

He felt as if the air was sucked out of his lungs at the implications, the magnitude of both her trust in him and the responsibility she put onto his shoulders.

His first impulse was to cringe and hide, but he could understand her request, could understand her reasons and her fears.

“I… I’m sorry I asked,” she babbled when he didn’t say anything for several long moments.

“Kens,” he interrupted before she could hang up on him and run, fearing that if she ran, she wouldn’t allow him close anymore, “Kens. Hold on. I’m not saying ‘no’. You just surprised me,” he told her, swallowing back the words that her request also scared the shit out of him. He drew a deep breath to calm himself and force his own reactions back under his control, “are you sure?” While he usually didn’t ask her that question because he knew Kensi and knew that she only requested something when she had made up her mind, but with this, he needed her to be really certain.

The answer was quiet, her voice small, but strong and certain, “yes.”

He nodded to himself, swallowing against the roiling of his stomach. “Alright,” he agreed, wondering if he would be driving up the coast later today by himself to the same spot he had shown her several days ago so as to try and calm his own troubled mind. He pinched the bridge of his nose. “Alright,” he repeated, “do you want to see them later? You know that they would want to see you, make sure you’re safe and ok.” He was also certain they would back down if he told them it wasn’t in the cards and that Kensi needed space to heal, but it would probably help all of them.

There was a pause at the other end before she repeated his question, not only to herself but to someone else… Nate. He relaxed slightly at that, realizing that Nate was currently with her, knowing that Kensi had made her decision under Nate’s watchful eye and guidance. At least he knew that she was taken care of… not that it did much for his own sanity right now. Then again… he would cope as he always did... alone.

“Yeah,” she came back onto the phone after several mostly quiet minutes, only an indistinct murmur in the background letting him know she was talking it out with Nate. Those minutes also gave him more time to get himself under control, to sort through his feelings and fears and tuck them into the back of his mind.

“Alright,” he said softly, the word seemingly stuck on repeat, “I’ll let them know.” This time, he paused before allowing a smile to fall over his lips, remembering the main reason for this call, “hey, Kens? I’m really glad about the results. I’m happy for you.”

He could hear the softening of her voice when she answered with a quiet but sincere, “thanks.”

Terminating the connection, Callen glanced left and right before sinking down to the floor. He was in an isolated corner of the building and he allowed himself a moment of weakness, knowing that what lay ahead of him would be taxing for everyone. He knew that relaying that information would tear at the team, would impact heavily with everyone. Being the bearer of bad news and watching his friends and family battle with that knowledge would be a heavy burden. He also knew that he couldn’t deal with this by dusting off an alias and using the distance it provided to make it easier on himself. He needed to be there as their team-leader and friend, not as an alias that held no connection to them.

He took the time he needed to calm himself and strengthen his courage before he stood up and returned to the bullpen. He stopped for a quiet word of explanation at Hetty’s desk, just a brief “Kensi asked me to tell them” and gaining her quiet approval. Her gaze held reassurance and strength and he gladly took it before he stepped away and turned to Sam and Deeks who were watching him closely. He pointed to the stairs, “Ops, now,” he said simply, heading on and knowing they would follow… as they always did.

Entering the tech cave, he looked around for a moment before taking a deep breath and forging on, “clear the room,” he ordered and everyone but Nell and Eric wordlessly locked their stations down and left the room, used to these kinds of demands. Behind him, Sam and Deeks entered Ops, and without turning to watch them, he knew they were sharing a somewhat confused glance with each other and the wonder twins.

He turned when the doors opened again, ready to offer reproach to an intruder but finding Hetty silently slipping into the room before locking the doors down and entering the command to shutter the windows. They shared another brief gaze before he turned back to his team and did as Kensi had asked.

Xxxxxxx

Sam looked more resigned than anything else. Eric was shell-shocked. Nell was crying openly and Deeks was struggling with pain and rage.

And Callen… Callen felt empty. The last few weeks had taxed him, constant worry for a team mate coming to a head when Kensi had stumbled into his home in the middle of the night and confided in him a few days ago. His own past had reared its head and he felt as if his emotions had been put into a blender on high grind before being handed back to him as an undecipherable mix that could not be sorted back into the pretty boxes reserved for them in the back of his mind.

And he wasn’t done yet. On top of taking care of Kensi, he now once more stepped up to the plate and went to bat for his team.

“Nate has been reassigned to us and he’s going to be available to all of you. I know this is a lot to come to grips with,” he said softly but firmly, drawing on his taxed reserves of confidence. Callen was glad that Nate was around. Their operational psychologist would be invaluable in helping the team through this kind of trauma, to learn that one of their own had been a victim of a deeply personal assault.

Deeks was hunched over the main table, his hands balled into fists, his whole being radiating misery and fury in equal amounts. “I need to see her,” he muttered and everyone nodded in agreement before turning to Callen.

He smiled slightly, knowing they turned to him as both their team-leader and the person Kensi had chosen to confide in. “I know,” he nodded, “and Kensi is ok with that. But not right now.” He held up his hand to forestall their protests but it was Hetty who intervened verbally before he could.

“There’s nothing gained by rushing over to her while you’re still struggling with this knowledge. All the emotions might not be well received by Ms Blye, so you need to calm yourself first. Nate will be here in an hour. Talk to him, beat the heavy bag, go surfing, but don’t approach Ms Blye right away,” their operations manager said quietly but firmly. It was an order and everyone knew it.

Callen gave her a subtle nod of thanks for backing him up without prompting. She returned the nod. “Kensi is at my place. Come by in the evening, but not before,” he told them, injecting enough steel into his voice to make sure everyone knew he was putting down an order as well, not a request. “That being said…” he went on, his voice softening, “Kensi is a strong woman and she’s going to be ok eventually. Make sure she knows she has your support and give the lead of what she’s comfortable with in terms of physical comfort over to her.”

Deeks was the first one to leave Ops, practically fleeing the room and Callen wondered whether or not he should follow and keep him from doing something stupid. He glanced at Hetty for direction and she shook her head. He trusted her evaluation and remained where he was.

Eric and Nell were comforting each other, so he felt it alright to leave them to themselves. Sam was turning to him, openly staring at him, letting him know he was waiting for Callen so that they could have a private talk. He gave his partner a nod while inwardly sighing.

Xxxxxxx

To Sam’s credit, his partner waited for them to be alone before he said anything. Without discussing it, they left OSP and walked into the direction of the boatshed, both using the walk to sort through their emotions.

They leaned against the railing at the parking lot in front of the boatshed and Callen waited for Sam to take the lead.

“Are you alright?” Sam asked.

Callen frowned before arching an eyebrow at his partner. “Sure. It’s Kensi everyone should be worried about, don’t you think?” he pointed out. He had the feeling he wouldn’t like where this was going. Sam had that expression he always got when he was puzzling something out. Often that ‘something’ had to do with Callen.

“Why did she come to you?” he asked evenly.

Callen glanced away, looking over the water, to the other side of the docks. “Because I made myself available,” he replied simply, hoping against hope to dissuade his partner.

Sam gave him a half-hearted glare, telling him he wasn’t buying it. He then shook his head and turned, his back leaning against the railing that groaned slightly when Sam’s bulk settled against it. “You knew… before she told you,” Sam said slowly, as if testing the words on his tongue. “You knew.”

“I suspected,” Callen disagreed without really disagreeing, still not liking where this was going, but somehow unable to derail the oncoming train, and in a way unsure if he wanted to derail it at all. He suddenly understood that part of Kensi’s reasoning about wanting the team to know, suddenly felt it himself… Kensi knew about him and in a way it didn’t feel right that she would know something like this but that Sam, the man he considered his best friend and brother, did not.

Sam ignored his comment. “How did you know?” he asked simply and there it was, the offer to start talking, the subtle hint that Sam knew that there was more to this story.

And still, Callen didn’t bite, not quite there yet. “Experience,” he replied quietly, his voice not much more than a murmur.

“Personal experience?”

Callen sighed and hung his head, resistance bleeding out of his frame and his stance becoming weary. “Yeah,” he allowed in a whisper.

Sam shifted, turning yet again to once more face into the same direction that his partner did, his hand connecting briefly with Callen’s shoulder in a gentle squeeze, an offer to talk and an offer of comfort at the same time.

He didn’t go into too much detail - he doubted he would ever go into too much detail with this - but he told Sam a little about those two months when he was thirteen. As always, Sam listened and didn’t interrupt. He knew this wouldn’t change the dynamic between them, knew that while Sam would mind what had happened to him, would be angry about it on his behalf, it wouldn’t impact on their partnership. It felt alright to let Sam in on one of the big secrets of his past, and it seemed to be easier to sort those memories away afterwards, putting them back into the place where they belonged.

Xxxxxxx

Kensi stayed at his place for several more days before she decided to return to her own home. She kept talking to Nate frequently and their operational psychologist seemed to help her a lot. It was good to watch her find her footing and regain some of her confidence.

All of them were talking to Nate - well, Callen was keeping his own contact as short as possible - and he saw the cracks in the team slowly mending under the careful guidance of the other man.

Deeks was probably affected the hardest and Callen knew there were multiple reasons for that. He had taken to keeping a watchful eye over their Detective and had partnered up with him the first few cases they worked after Hetty and he decided it was ok to put them on operational status again. There had been some short discussions between them about Kensi during stake outs or the drive to interview suspects or upon returning to Ops and he had offered the younger man some input he thought may be helpful to him.

When Kensi returned to OSP nearly three weeks after she had come to Callen when her house of cards had imploded, he could immediately see the way the team started adapting to offer her the best possible protection. Sharing a Scotch with Hetty on that same evening, he couldn’t help but feel a flush of pride when she commented on that same fact and congratulated him for the team he had shaped and guided.

It would take time to come to grips with everything, but there was no doubt in his mind that they would come out alright, would protect and take care of each other and come out stronger for it. Already, the ties that bound them together had shortened, not as shackles but as strengthening connections that anchored each of them within their family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There. That's it again.   
> I hope you enjoyed the story. Thanks for all of you who sent comments and kudos, I really appreciate it :)  
> See you around!


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